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November 26, 2017

An open letter to myself a year ago

 

Jess, 

You can already tell something is going wrong with this pregnancy. But, like the others, you’ve been “prepared” for this to happen. You’ve been on bed rest for the week and your pain is starting to skyrocket. Today is going to be unbelievable but a year from now, you may be starting to feel thankful today happened and see some good this side of heaven. But, let’s not rush it.

Because you are getting ready to enter into the most painful season of your life thus far.

The ER nurses and Doctor are going to be an extension of Jesus at every turn. The ultrasound tech isn’t going to tell you what’s going on but she does tell you to call your Mom so she can start the 6-hour drive to come help. The X-Ray tech is going to see you barely holding on to all of your emotions and come offer to fix your bed up while you wait for transport back to the ER. She doesn’t stop there. She finds you and warm blanket and whispers “You are going to be okay.” Hold on to that for the dark days to come. The ER doctor is kind and soft-spoken when he breaks the news to you that you are bleeding internally and the pregnancy is ectopic. The feeling of letting family down is going to hit you hard at this point. We know that it is a silly feeling but the reality extra family member imagined is crushed this side of Heaven yet again. They are going to get you back for surgery faster than expected so you may have a little fear of dying but that passes quickly when peace that passes all understanding washes over you. Your friends and family want to help, you should try to let them in a little, but if it gets to be too much for them… remember it’s okay.

God’s got something planned from this… He has to with the weight crushing your spirits right now. Your doctor performing the surgery has the best bedside manners ever to exist so you don’t have to cringe or cry over something insensitive. Jeff is going to be waiting right beside you when you wake up. He is actually going to step into a whole new role for you this next year. I told you that you’d see some good. Now, I wish I could prepare you for some major setbacks but each one pushes you closer to Jesus so I can’t take that away from you. I also can’t actually travel back in time to give you this letter but it is free therapy so humor me. Speaking of therapy, you make one of the best decisions of your life a few months from now and go see a counselor. It’s painful but sets you on the path of healing rather than hiding the pain you feel. You will miss family and old friends more than you thought possible during this next year. In a few months, you’ll see another moment God will use this pain to remind someone He loves that they aren’t alone. Michelle is going to go through the same thing. Your heart has been broken in a new way and God isn’t going to waste it this next year. You’ll comfort some other friends as they have miscarriages.

Also, I wish I could tell you that you’ve grown out of our past not feeling some negative emotions every time some posts a pregnancy announcement but hey, there is always next year. It is okay that you didn’t like everyone’s thankful for baby posts. You can like them next week. This week is hard enough. You’ll write more than some would like about this experience because it has changed you. That’s okay. You are also going to learn that it is okay to not always be okay. This is life-giving for you, so when it hits you don’t try to justify it away. Embrace it. Embrace the little faces you never got to meet. Embrace the sadness of not welcoming another Henderson into the family in July. You can feel all the things you need to feel because your God is steadfast, He isn’t shaken, He can’t be overcome, He silences your fear, He makes the darkness tremble, and He is ever present this next year while you wrestle with all the “whys”.

You are going to be okay.

 

Your tiny family of three is going to thrive in the midst of some of the saddest days. Olivia is going to be sensitive and kind to you on the days you grieve those not in your house. She is going to pray for you a year from now and ask God to take care of the baby that died in Heaven. The idea of what “hope” looks like to you may shift a little and that’s okay because the shift is actually a more accurate meaning. You aren’t going to be longing to hold another baby in your arms in a year. But this next summer is going to be tough. Don’t buy those bulk pregnancy tests, you take them way too fast and honestly, it is just downright embarrassing if someone finds out how many you’ve taken from June- August. When you start to really let go over what you feel owed from God, you are going to feel another weight lifted. This next year if freeing but it hurts. Don’t be hard on yourself when you feel like you should be “more healed” or “moving on” faster… God knows exactly what He is walking you through and it is just between the two of you.

So, stay the course with Him and put your blinders up. Don’t stop healing when the pain becomes manageable. You’ve done that before, it doesn’t help. Today is going to be hard, but “once again, I will praise” will be on your wrist a year from now as a reminder of what is branded on your heart and soul. 

 

Tremble by Mosaic is the salve to your soul so press in and let God use this year. You’ll be better for it and your physical and spiritual wounds will be mended by the great physician.

-The Future You

If you need a reminder that you too will praise again- grab this graphic and put it on your phone where you can see it. <3 – Jess

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